I'm a fighter

3:28PM

hey. just wanted you all to know that I decided to delete this journal last week. I'm re-opening it for a couple days to let people know that I will be re-deleting it on Friday. If you still wish to be my friend, please add Kinastealursoul.
I deleted my journal because I felt that I was being too negative and not really accepting what was there. I have let go of all the negativity in my life and I know just accept what is. I have no ill feelings for anyone. at all. I realize now that a lot of my negative feelings for other people was a reflection of the negativity I felt for myself...you see I read this amazing book that changed my life and I feel great about everything right now. I just accept what is out there. Anyways, if you still wish to be my friend, add my new journal. If not, I have no hard feelings and hope that you understand that I just need to have a more positive outlook on life.
Thanks friends
Katrina

2:25PM

Projection is the error of attaching an aspect of your inner life onto someone or something on the outside. This way, you do not have to take responsibility for it. In projecting a disowned part of yourself, you endow other people and things with the power to make you blissful or miserable. Then you turn around and praise or blame the person or situation, while all the while you are reacting to an unconscious, inner part of yourself.


maybe you should evaluate your life a little and see where you're placing the blame. I know I have.

Things that are fantastic:
Knowing who my real friends are.
work.
the book i'm reading.
classes.

things that aren't:
anything to do with fucktards, idiots, morons, shallow people, non-real friends and the fact that i haven't cleaned my room yet.

piss off.

3:53PM

saturday just cracks me up the more i think about it.

some people really need to evaluate their lives and their definition of a "good friend".

i do not have room in my life for negativity.

especially not to waste my time on people when there is so much good in the world.

i do not value shallowness.



forgive but never forget.

10:26PM

so i was supposed to read a lot this break, and clean and blahblahblah.
i didn't do it.

i'm really okay with that.

#3.

the way my cat smells. which is like my basement, but i like that.

1:39AM

i came up with 57 reasons to live.
and you weren't one of them.

1:53AM

my appitite is so disfunctional right now.
i just don't feel like it because when i do, it just hurts more.
blech. when is this sickness going to be over????

answer: Never. You'll battle it your whole life.

2:18AM

went back to work today. hoorah.
started cleaning my room too. got about halfway.
gotta wake up early tomorrow to register for my classes for winter wonderland. so excited :-)
i also did fun things with my hair.
maybe pictures eventually.
tomorrow i believe my computer shall go into the shop, as it refuses to have sound and overheats a lotly.
i can't believe chicago is next weekend!!! so excited!


has anyone seen disc 3 of scrubs season 2? It's MIA.

edit
decided to send my computer out before i go to chicago, hopefully it'll be fixed while i'm gone?

also pictures of several important things
my coat twin and myself...

like fame...

movie day...


and new years...

myself...

and what i did to my hair...

I took a toothbrush (old of course) and put in black streaks and florescent red streaks.
i'm pretty happy with it, especially for the fact that i did it all by myself :-)
the best part? in the lighting at work you can't really tell that i have quite unnatural hair color currently. hoorah! means not getting in trouble :-)

Pee Ess Thanks to the many people who visited me at Friday's today. It was like a party! and I was invited! hooray!

6:33PM

i'm back.
i'm here.
and nothing will stop me.
thank you to everyone who put up with my shit in the past month and a half.

funk=over.
i can't handle being in it anymore. it just doesn't suit me.
so whatever it takes, i am out of it. as of now.

3:11AM - already...

i miss you like a fat kid misses seeing his toes when he looks down.

1:26AM

at night i get the urge to run and never stop.

one day i'll do it.

i need to run again before its too late...

i won't stop til i'm okay again.

12:19PM

i gave up and put the pictures on facebook instead, lol. i still have to find all the pictures of school of fuck and scan those in because there are some great ones. i'm cleaning my room tomorrow at school...i just have to. i think there's old noodles in there somewhere.

ahh well. off to vegetate on the couch because i feel like death.
mmm...cat cuddles.

1:51AM - this hasn't happened for the longest time.

and you'll never know til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb

saw brokeback mountain. it was amazing.

I wish I knew how to quit you such a great line...

tomorrow's pancake breakfast and movie day. huzzah! how i've missed my friends.

i feel like death.

12:39PM

2006 must kick 2005's ass. must. must. must.
our basement flooded yesterday. with nasty water that smells of shit. its just amazing, let me tell you to live down here right now. the fans are on to try to dry it out a little and the contents of our laundry room are strewn about the living room. after sitting around in the shit smell for about 4 hours, the landlord finally came and left a note and talked to me for like 2 seconds. the sump pump is broken and they'll be by to fix it on monday. great. stupid 2005.
all in all my night was good. i didn't go to the restaurant like i planned, but thats cool. i probably couldn't afford it anyways. i hung out with people from work, which was cool because i like new friends!

i think the funniest thing that was said to me all night was "you're so theatre!" which is true. i am so theatre. but its just funny when people point it out. he also said i was the weirdest person he knows, but that's kinda cool. i'm okay with that.

2006 brought no one to kiss at midnight, but thats okay. because i didn't kiss anyone that i didn't mean to kiss, or want to kiss. which is worse than not kissing at all. 2006 is about having a healthy relationship. not one that begins out of a mistake.

i'm driving home today. i can't wait to see my best friends, exchange christmas presents and enjoy some time in livonia, which is almost an oxymoron in it of itself, but i haven't been there when it wasn't a holiday in so long that it might actually be enjoyable. here's to hoping.

Edit
I know I left someone a song last night, or sang on the phone or something. And if it was you #1. I'm sorry and #2. How funny was it? Because I remember it being pretty amazing, buuuut I was also a liittle bit not with it.

2:14AM - on the whole being honest thing.

yes. i am avoiding everyone. especially you. it's how i'm dealing. just like you find it necessary to deal by blocking me and being rude to me even when i'm trying to be nice.
no. i am not over it quite yet. i still need space.
yes. i have moved on.
no. you do not need to block me online. it's a little bit silly considering you're the one who im'd me to begin with. you know that we can't last on the topic of business/school for very long. i don't want to deal with you anymore than you want to deal with me. you make me just as unhappy as i make you. probably more so. so i'll continue to avoid everyone. and you continue to block me online and be rude to me whenever i'm in the room and we'll just call it even trade. deal?

2:46AM

I started this entry once, and I'll start it again until it gets posted.

"maybe it's because telling the truth would make them feel too vulnerable."
-J.D., Scrubs.

It's time I tell the truth. I've come to realize that I shut people out more than ever. I'm beginning to think that no one really knows me anymore. Over the last four years I've become more and more introverted and more and more content with no one really knowing me. I know I come across as bold, confident, excited, happy, somewhat bitchy, and very sure of who I am.  but i'm not.
i'm insecure. unknowing. shy.
the more I act like I'm not, the more I really am.
the bitchier i am to someone, the more i am scared of them and how they make me feel.
i don't let myself be vulnerable and i need to work on letting myself be vulnerable and feel vulnerable. I need to work on letting people in and trusting that they are people too.
Very few people know certain things about me. About my hopes and dreams and how I prioritize things. I work things out certain ways in my head. I have known exactly what I wanted to do with my life since I was in 7th grade. I've changed my mind several times, because I was scared. Because I didn't think I had the guts. Didn't think I had the talent or what was needed to do what I needed to do. But the more that I prioritize myself. The more that I think about what I sacrifice and what I would sacrifice and what I have sacrificed to do what I want to do, the more I realize that I cannot do anything else with my life.
I've got a lot of learning and a lot of living left to do. I know this. But I've got a plan. And I've got drive. That's more than I can say for most people my age.
so I've made a couple new years resolutions. Even though I don't really believe in them. But these are just things that I need to do anyways. To work on.
1. Allow myself to be vulnerable.
2. Stop coming across as bitchy.
3. read and workout more. I used to be good about this, and I've become so lazy!!!
4. Have a healthy relationship in 2006. 2005 just...wasn't healthy. come to think of it...2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, and every year before that weren't very healthy either...but 2005 is definitely the most unhealthy year. and negative. It really didn't need to be...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I know three things about myself. and since I'm working on that whole...letting people in thing, I'll tell you one.
I am extremely ambitious, almost to a fault.
i set my mind to something and don't rest until i get it. i won't rest until i do it. i know what i want in life. i know what i need in life. i have priorities and goals and nothing will stop me. I've used this as an excuse for the past two years to not let people in. I say that I don't have time, that I need to focus on school. really i'm just scared. I'm afraid of change in my status quo. I've decided that my career and education are such risky fields that I can't take chances in other areas of my life. I'm afraid that taking chances and letting people get close to me will distract me and detract from my goals. Which streams directly to number two thing that I know about myself.
I have more irrational and neurotic fears than anyone I know.
but this is what makes me who I am. I like that. And I am okay with that.

2006 needs to be a year for me allow myself to feel. I've become more and more content with who I am, who I appear to be and who I want to be in life. But now I need to let other people in and to be ready for anything. I want to be ready. And willing.

11:00PM

sooooooo...i called the station today before work and asked what time i was in on new years...and they didn't put me on the schedule! i've already gotten my shifts covered for new years at friday's so now my new years is free? i don't really know what to do now! help!

10:18PM

32 hours of work in 3 days is totally unnecessary.
totally.
my feet hurt.

10:01AM

<td align="center"> How Katrina should improve for 2006:



Make a magical wand that eradicates all of your social awkwardness

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

aww...that one really is true! hot damn!

ricky martin was totally just on my one channel of TV and I thought of going to the Ricky Martin concert in 8th grade with katelyn and lauren sayig. most. hilarious. concert. ever.

12:38AM

if i was beautiful like you
but i'm not.
i'm beautiful like me.

well...i've spent 26 out of the past 38 hours at work.
and 2 more hours driving to and from work.

i said to one of the servers tonight "i...am speechless." at all the stupid shit that went down tonight at work.
and she said "wow. thats pretty big for you."
after work dustin and i ate...it was damn good. probably because the last time i ate was christmas day dinner. how the fuck did i work 26 hours on no food? because christmas dinner was a-mazing.
my TV is now in my room. and has one channel.
i like it. now if i could only get my DVD player and VCR to work...hmmph.
well..sleep...gotta be back at 11:30 for another 12ish hour day.

9:36AM

i've decided jazz is the worlds most perfect music form.
i need someone to talk jazz with me...asap.
or to go to a jazz concert...mmm...jazz...
oh my i'm a nerd.